Beneath His Wings

I always felt different from the other girls. I didn’t share their interests, ideas or crushes. I dated a lot but I definitely didn’t want marriage or children. I didn’t trust men. By late high school my motto was “use them before they use you.” After graduating from high school my parents sent me to a Christian college. It was there that my roommates accused me of being a lesbian. Maybe if they had been more compassionate and less cruel it wouldn’t have hurt as much as it did. Nevertheless, it further confirmed that I was different from other girls. Shortly after this I decided to “try it” with one.

It was while I was at this Christian college studying Biblical prophecies that I decided that Christ was indeed the Son of God. However, I consciously chose not to follow Him but cast my allegiance with Satan. It took 13 years for God to deliver me from the hell to which my satanic worship had brought me. Even so, I still refused to give God my allegiance.

About this time I involved myself in a group that followed a “good” spirit. This was a much more healthy lifestyle, or so I thought. I was now working on my second marriage which was having problems like the first one. Throughout this time God would periodically touch my life, reminding me that He was there. I sensed deep down that He was the truth and whether I followed Him or not that fact would not change. Several times I tried to force myself into the Christian “mold”, but I just never fit and would always give up.

Out of the blue a baby was offered to us for adoption. No, we were not looking to adopt, but we said yes. This child, I believe, was a gift from God. Raising her has caused me to take a hard look at my life. I wanted so many things for her. I wanted her to like being a female since I had resented being a woman and felt like a “man in a woman’s body.” Fortunately, her femininity came very naturally and she didn’t have to work at it. As she grew, however, my own issues with men and sexuality could no longer be denied. I had a hard time understanding her crushes on boys. Based on where I was at the time I would have preferred that she be a lesbian. At least I could have understood that! Heterosexual desire was scary to me.

Several years later God intervened and brought my family and I to a church near Modesto, California where they accepted people as they were. They spoke and acted upon the love of God yet held me accountable to the truths of the Bible. Within a year I made the hardest decision of my life: I asked Christ to become my Lord. He took me up on this and began working in my life. However, in just a short time I became sexually and emotionally involved with another woman.

My pastor lovingly confronted me with what the Scriptures had to say about homosexuality and adultery. He strongly encouraged me to get involved with a ministry that helped homosexuals. The Holy Spirit gently asked me, “Were you serious when you decided to follow Me?” Indeed I was. So, in spite of the fact that I had little hope for my life and less belief that long-lasting change was even possible. I began my sojourn at New Creation Ministries.

Shortly after God brought me to NCM my life supports began falling apart. My daughter (my gift from God) became a runaway at age 13, downsizing on the job caused me to be unemployed with a lot of unpaid debt, my 401K was depleted, I began having health problems and my father died. It took all of this for God to get my attention. And He was telling me that the inside needing changing along with the outside.

After being at NCM for a year and a half I finally asked my counselor to pray with me that God would do whatever was necessary to make me whole. I was at the end of myself and I needed help! The Lord began showing me who I was (or better said, I began to hear). He showed me how jealous He was over me and anyone I chose to love over Him. I slowly began to grasp that He had always loved me and hungered for relationship with me. I saw with fresh power that He had fought for me on the cross and qualified me to be His. All I had to do was admit my brokenness. (This was easy since I had so many broken pieces of my life as evidence.) Fear began to fall away as I saw that He could relate to me in my temptations. That He didn’t condemn me into the person that He had envisioned me to be since the beginning of time.

Through New Creation Ministries I also learned about some of the underlying causes of homosexuality – how I got where I was and why I chose lesbianism. Could I blame the neighbor who molested me for years? Or my tendency to isolate myself from people? Or perhaps the health problems I had as an infant could have caused a problem with bonding. These and other factors were certainly a part of the picture but I cannot blame anyone for the way that I chose to live as an adult.

No matter who right or natural homosexuality felt to me God still said it was an abominable sin. I realized that God hated the sin, not me. He hated it because I was discarding His vision for me and replacing it with a lesser vision of my own. Just like I didn’t hate my daughter who ran away from home to pursue her own self-destructive desires (though I hurt to the core of my being due to my great love for her), so also, God loves us even more. He sees our potential as men and women and mourns the way we throw it away as though it was worthless or repulsive. Like Jerusalem He looks at us and weeps when we refuse to come to Him and let Him gather us beneath His wings.

I am still attending NCM and have a long way to go – but I am not the person I was three years ago. God has met me. He has kept His Word. I am so grateful for His perseverance, grace, discipline, understanding and never-ending love. At 51 I have more hope how than ever before. My heart’s desire is to share this hope and love with others. Yes, I still struggle but not as often and not as strongly. My experience is showing me that Christ alone has the wherewithal to replace my emotionally unhealthy and sinful behaviors with a sense of my personal worth. At the same time He is meeting my core needs for connectedness and love. I am no longer willing to settle for less.